Marriage – Joel's Travels

The Traveling Dad: Parents, Go On The Offensive

Joel Muddamalle — Mon, 27 Apr 2015 17:08:50 +0000

Kids came fast for Brittany and I. We had a plan but God seems to reign sovereign in all areas. I was finishing up graduate school and still had about year left when we found out we were pregnant with Liam. Fast forward three and a half years and we have Liam, Levi, and a brand new baby boy Lucas.

People have some great advice as new additions join the family. Probably my favorite and most common goes something likes this.

When you have one kid it’s great. You can both tag team the child. With two kids things get a little tricky, you transition to a man to man defense. When you have your third everything falls apart as you maintain a zone defense.

I began to think about this analogy and realized that after the first child parents at time switch from offensive play to a posture of defense. But why? Why are we reactive towards our kids and not pro active? Why are we responding to their actions and not informing how they think and make decisions?

Parents, its time to go on the offensive.

I don’t think this is intentional. For most of us, we are just trying to figure things out. As we attempt to figure things out we land in this defensive posture. However, maintaining doesn’t produce growth or progress. It eventually leaves us in a stagnant place.

Our kids not only require our best offensive pursuit but they deserve it. @Muddamalle
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I realized now as an adult the majority of how I perceive the world and come to judgements and decisions is a direct result of how I was raised. Values, system, and beliefs, were instilled into me as a child and affect every thought and decision. We have the great opportunity to create the framework that our kids will rely on as adults. While we all wish that we will always be around to give our kids advice, we don’t know what the future holds. Therefore, being intentional now will be a benefit in the future.

Here are a few areas that require parents to be active in the lives of their children:

Discipline – Your kids need it. There is time for friendship later in life, first, be their parent.
Friendships – Be involved in the life of your kids. What kind of friends do they have? Do they have challenges with any friends or peers. Be a listening ear and offer advice and support when you can
Church – Be active and set the example for the importance of being apart of the local church. We don’t question if kids need to go to school do we? So why make it optional for them to go to church? Set priorities and lead by example
Family time – Set aside time to be together as a family. My kids are still young but I am already panicking over how big they are getting and how fast time is passing us by. If you are intentional about spending time together as a family early on, it wont be a question later on.

The Traveling Dad: The Pursuit of Consistency

Joel Muddamalle — Fri, 17 Apr 2015 04:50:38 +0000

As a kid I hated consistency. Actually, the more I think about it, I still hate it. But I know it’s good for me. It’s even more important for my kids. Traveling threw the concept of consistency for a spin for our family. There are times when Dad is not home for dinner or breakfast. There are times when he is. The night time routine can get changed, which can become a big deal for our kids. I learned quickly that I don’t read stories like momma.

We quickly began to see the toll that inconsistency had for our kids. The boys became anxious and began to question everything. Liam is the king of “but why dadda?”. At first I just got mad, then I realized that this was a symptom of inconsistency in his life. So why is consistency important for kids?

1. It builds a framework for them that they can rely on:

As much my kids fight the routine they need it. In many ways consistency serves as a safety blanket that they can rely on. Without this framework there isn’t anything that is anchoring them down. This creates a perfect scenario for them to start spinning out of control.

In fact, my inconsistency creates the opportunity for chaos in my kids life. @Muddamalle
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Kids need boundaries, they need guidelines and rules. Possibly the biggest challenge I came across as a youth pastor was the epidemic of parents that wanted to be friends with their kids and not their parents. Here’s a little secret that I found out. Friendship with your kids will come as they get older. If you focus on building a strong framework for your kids to rely on it will only result in a better friendship and further trust as they become adults. My mom never fooled around with me as a kid. There was never question if she was my parent or friend. Today, I enjoy a friendship with my mom, which is a blessing. Don’t worry, she still knows how to throw down on me if I need it!

2. It creates discipline:

Our pursuit of consistency results in much needed discipline for kids. This discipline is crucial for them as they develop into adulthood. As we focus on creating disciplined children not only will our kids thank as they become adults, but their spouses, kids, and bosses will owe us one!

While I was in New York I had a great conversation with the Hillsong NYC pastoral team. An observation that we both have seen is the expectation that teenagers and young adults have for instant gratification. They want what they want, now! Possibly a big part of the challenge is a lack of discipline and patience during their childhood. The best part of this is sitting back and watching our kids become responsible adults.

3. It facilitates an opportunity to make significant accomplishments:

I am constantly amazed at how much Liam (almost 4) and Levi (2) are absorbing. My wife Brittany recently decided to start working through a easy “teach your kids to read” book. She simply decided to consistently work through a page or two in the book each night. Now, when I’m home Liam reminds me that he has to do his “work” like dadda does work. So every night he grabs his book and sits with me and momma to practice his reading. Oh, and my 3.5 year old can legitimately read 15-20 words. Is it purely because he’s a genius? Well, yes. But more importantly is because of a consistent pattern each night.

Our kids have the ability to absorb, learn, and accomplish a lot. As parents we have the great opportunity to focus in on specific areas. This can look different for everyone. For some it may be reading, for others it could working on brushing teeth or cleaning up toys. Regardless, you can accomplish a lot simply by being consistent.

Finally, grace.

Give yourself grace. Please don’t take this post to mean that we have to be perfect. Inconsistency is part of life. Things happen, routines change, and life goes on. Give yourself grace, and remember to give your parent friends grace also!

The Traveling Dad: Will I Mess Up My Kids?

Joel Muddamalle — Wed, 15 Apr 2015 04:28:46 +0000

When Brittany first told me that she was pregnant I quickly went through the following emotions.

Shock – Excitement – Panic – Oh Crap.

You may have read previously that I am not necessarily a fan of kids. Now I found myself responsible for the life of this little human being. Not only that but I instantly fell in love. All of a sudden I had these intense affections for this gift of God. Then, I had the “Oh Crap” moment. The conversation in my mind went something like this.

Will I be a good dad? Am I ready to be a dad? Does being a dad mean I can’t play air-soft or Modern Warfare 2? Crap…what if I mess up this kid?

The fear of messing up my kids skyrocketed as I realized I did not have the luxury of working a eight to five job and home every afternoon. Being a traveling dad threw our entire household into a tailspin for a bit as we adjusted to this new dynamic. I typically found myself up late at night at hotel rooms thinking about my kids (its hard for me to sleep when I’m on the road). Sometimes my thoughts revolve around the future. What type of men will by boys grow up to be? What type of lady will they marry and bring into the family? How will they interact with their kids and wives? All of these thoughts hinge on the questions, did we do enough raising them?

Both Brittany and I realized a couple things quickly:

1. We have to be intentional with our kids – When people say your kids grow up in a blink of an eye they are being serious. I’ve tried to be intentional with my boy’s in a variety of ways. I’m intentional about commenting to my boys how beautiful their momma looks. This creates a standard for them as they get married.

In many ways my intentionality with my boys is an investment into their future outcome. @Muddamalle
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We intentionally talk about the goodness of God and why we love Jesus. I want my boys to always remember a love and affection for Christ. The greatest gift I could give my boys is a childhood filled with affection, wonder, and awe of Jesus.

2. Our kids foundation has to be the Word of God – If I am really honest with myself, my own wisdom, insight, and intellect is not good enough. It never will be. The best thing we can do for our Children is saturate them in the Word of God. I love Proverbs 1:8-19. Many parents and pastors love using this verse to point out the importance that kids listen to and obey their mother and father. I read this verse and am reminded that kids can only listen and obey when parents are faithful in instructing and teaching their children in the way of the Lord.

3. Praying is essential – Ultimately, our hope for our kids can’t be in our ability or skills. If this is the case we are all in trouble. As we realize that we don’t have everything under control we are left with our only hope being in the Holy Spirit. As a result, it is essential that we spend time in prayer for our kids. My mom spent countless hours praying for me, and I firmly believe that her prayers made a difference. In fact, as we turn to God we can place our hope in the creator of the universe who spoke all things into being. 1 Thess 5:17 tells us to pray without ceasing and Hebrews 5:7 points us to the example of Christ to prayed and was heard because of his reverence. Our prayers makes a difference and we can take hope in the fact that our God is good. I love that God is faithful and a good father. The scriptures are filled with this reality.

Will I Mess Up My Kids?

Yea, most likely to some extent, but I’m thankful that Brittany and I can turn to God who gives us direction and a hope not only for our future but for our children also.

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Don’t forget to read the first post of the series that covers discipline!

Helpful Resources:

These two books have been game changers for us as we jumped into this crazy life parenting 3 little boys!

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Introducing: The Traveling Dad Series

Joel Muddamalle — Sun, 12 Apr 2015 20:46:15 +0000

I was on an airplane with Brittany, Liam, Levi, and Lucas heading to Houston. Liam turned to me suddenly and said:

“Ohh…Dadda…so this is where you live!?”…

Never saw that one coming.

I realized quickly that traveling threw a couple wrenches into parenting. It was much more difficult being a traveling Dad than I anticipated. Some of you may be thinking:

“How does this apply to me?”

Whether or not you travel, it is impossible to be with your kids 24 hours a day. In that case, you may experience some of the challenges that I have in a different context. Most of what I write about will serve as principles that you can apply to your context. In fact, I’d love to hear about how you do that! Let me know in the comments section.

I’d encourage you to do 3 things as we kick off this series:

Share this post (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Google+) – It’s my hope and prayer that this will be helpful to seasoned parents, new parents, new couples, and even people who are just thinking about the implications of marriage and parenthood. We all have people in one or all of those categories, so hopefully these posts will help them!
Subscribe to the email news letter – Don’t miss a post. When you subscribe you will get each post delivered directly to your in box! I’m also working on devotional e-book and the only way to get it will be to sign up!
Check out the first post – This first post covers one of my first challenges, discipline!

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The Traveling Dad: The Challenge of Discipline

Joel Muddamalle — Wed, 01 Apr 2015 05:53:25 +0000

When Brittany and I first got married we always wondered who would be the tough parent and the easy parent. I quickly stated that I would be tough.

Moment of honesty:

I don’t like kids. It’s actually true. I’ve never been a kid person. That’s why I’ve always gravitated towards youth ministry and working with high school and college age students rather than little kids.

Hubris:

This experience lead me to believe that I would be immune to the charm, whinny voice, and utter smooth moves from these little creatures we call kids. Then I became a dad. Quickly it became evident that I was not the stoic father that was immune to childish charm. In fact, when it came to my first born, Liam, I fell pray to his wide eyed smile, cry, and whine almost every time. Brittany became the tough “cant get anything past me” mom. Then my second son Levi came. He has a different kind of charm. The kind where he does something incredibly naughty, looks at you in the face, smiles, and in a raspy voice says, love you daddy da. It gets me every time. My third son Lucas is only 4 months old. He already has the half smile with dimple smile down.

Traveling Life:

Then our lives took a twist. I transitioned into a new role at work where I spend a considerable more time traveling across the US and sometimes the world to present, speak, and teach workshops at conferences. One side affect I never considered would be how this impacted my desire to discipline my boys. I found myself on the road for 2-4 days at a time. When I came home my first thoughts were not about consistency in parenting or the 3-4 things Brittany had been working on the boys with. It was hugging, kissing, and playing with my boys. Even further, the simple thought of disciplining the boys was hard enough, I couldn’t really bring myself to do it. I became the dad who gave the “last warnings” and “second and ONLY chances”.

I quickly realized (Brittany helped a lot with this!) that my travel schedule was not an excuse for me not being present or active in the discipline of our children. In fact, my sons need discipline from their father. Proverbs 23 has it right, children should listen to their fathers instructions. The only way children can listen to their fathers instructions are if fathers are actually giving instruction!

Ways to be present in the discipline of my kids:

Here are a few ways I have tried to provide some course correction:

Stay in the loop while I am away – Its easy to talk about surface level things with Brittany and the boys while I’m away. The best thing I can do is be intentional about what is happening in the lives of my kids and asking my wife how things are going with them. My wife serves as the window into everyday life when I’m gone. Our ability to communicate well is incredibly helpful as I stay in the loop on the wins and challenges at home.
Engage in conversation with kids – While I’m away I want to discuss and talk about what has been going one during that day. I want to talk about what happened when Liam got in trouble for hitting his brother. Even though I am in a different state I want my sons to know that daddy is still present and cares about what they are doing. This type of daily recap and recollection is not only helpful for me, but also for my kids to consider the events of the day.
Take your kids on dates – I give myself the freedom to have either a fun day. Basically, daddy takes the kids out to have fun. Typically, this just means we order pizza, have sword fights, throw the football around, or go to the park. Being able to just have fun with the kids gives me a release and is helpful as I step back into day to day dad living.

My kids need me to be their dad in all areas of their lives. @Muddamalle
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I’ve seen the disaster of parents that are physically or emotionally unavailable. It creates lasting challenges for their kids. The benefits of being godly and attentive parents are countless, and we will see those benefits played out as our kids become spouses and parents themselves one day.

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4 Ways To Stay Married With A Crazy Travel Schedule

Joel Muddamalle — Wed, 22 Oct 2014 22:14:27 +0000

I was at a conference recently in Atlanta and someone asked me where I am from. I responded, the airport.

This last year I have done over 120,000 miles of air travel. I still have a couple more months so the 150,000 mile is still a real possibility with a trip to London coming up for the Worship Central Conference. As some of you are reading this there are typically two thoughts based on your context.

1. The single person thinks – Thats amazing! I wish I could travel like that!
2. The married person thinks – God bless his wife. If my spouse traveled like that there would be some serious problems!

For the single person, it is pretty awesome, at least for the first 20,000 miles. Then the repetition of airport, rental car, hotel, conference venue and repeat gets real old, real fast. However, if you want to experience it yourself, Faithlife is hiring!

For the married person, you’re right. My wife is amazing. She shows an incredible amount of grace and understanding. Beyond that however, is an intentionality to stay connected spiritually and emotionally while I am away. Here are four ways we go about this. If you travel as much as I do or are in a situation where travel may be a reality, I hope this helps you.

Bring visibility to your travel schedule:

Brittany and I have a shared calendar. She knows every trip that is on my calendar. She is able to help me stay accountable in the amount of time I am away. She also is able to see that I may have a long travel stretch in front of me, but there is a good week or two week slot that I have blocked off for family. Maybe even more important, make sure that your blocked of time for your family is actually for your family. No more of the “Babe, just one more email”. Your wife and kids experience half hearted commitments that fall through everyday. Don’t let your commitment to spend time with them be one of those experiences. The shared calendar also helps my wife to set her expectations while keeping me accountable to my schedule. This also allows for open communication about travel and the impact it is having on her and the boys.

Stay connected to the Word :

We do our best to do shared Bible reading plans together when I am gone. We both have the Faithlife Study Bible App and Logos Bible Software, so we will typical pick a specific reading plan and read through that sharing thoughts via community notes. This engages our minds with the beauty of scripture. As we focus on and delve into the depth of the Word, we are connected in the most meaningful way possible.

Leverage technology to increase your ability to communicate:

Traveling is crazy. Over the last month there have been a ridiculous amounts of cancellations and delays. This makes it hard to jump on the phone to talk to my wife as I am running to the opposite side of the airport to catch a connecting flight. However, I can text her and let her know what is happening. I love the new iOS update that has built in voice memos. Britt and I use this all the time to stay connected on the little things. This way she knows what my day looks like and I can stay connected with whats happening on the home front. Things like FaceTime and Skype are game changers. We try to always FaceTime at night with the kids before they go to bed if possible.

Extend grace:

The most important thing is be gracious to each other. The reality is that I have screwed up more times than I can count. I forget to text or FaceTime. I get preoccupied with my travel woes or the stress of a conference and neglect my reading plans or speaking to my wife. This is where grace plays a crucial role.

In truth, these are things that are helpful if you have a crazy travel schedule or not. Finally, there is an extra level of responsibility for husbands to lead their families well. I love Ephesians 5:25-29 because we see clearly that the responsibility and great privilege of the husband is in cleansing his wife with the washing of the Word. Marriage is an incredible gift of God.

What are some things that you do to ensure a healthy marriage? Let me know in the comments section below!

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